Where to start? Where to end?
Now? this weekend? never?
This weekend. It was hell.
It was a deep & thorough depression.. but not the typical panic-attack feelings that I have accepted as having nowhere to call “home” for a short while. Those I’m okay with, I know what to do with those.
These were the overreacting, crying for no reason, loss of self, sense of self, and self esteem. These were the familiar tuggings of 18-year-old all-is-lost depression. There was even Sun this wekend. SUN! And I still would cry at a moments notice, lamenting my lost.. Oh I don’t know.. lost anything, I guess.
It started thursday night, when we listed our house to be sold.. and didn’t stop until yesterday, when I went Ice Skating with Ely.
I was amazed at the downpour of emotion, though. I was upset with everything… my parents arguing, my aunt not calling me, Nikki for making me feel as though I wasn’t worthy of friendship after the wedding… It was an entire disaster, really. I did take a zomig, and while that would make things a little better, I would still find myself in tears without any warning.
And then yesterday, on teh way to ice skating.. I had an idea.. and it developed.. until I have almost a full-blown novelette. It’s an intriguing idea, and I spend all my extra brain waves on it… figuring out where it is going to go.. and where it’s coming from. That’s what the Diary entry in my blog is.. the outline of the story.. the first 3 chapters, actually… The skeleton of it, sure, but it’s still there. I’m excited about it. Typical Leo, I picture the movie deal before I’ve even got an ending… but it’s what I do, and it’s driving me to publish it.
When I have a few full chapters, I’ll let some of you read it (if you’re at all interested). Just let me know.
Mom picked me up a Scheduler… it’s helping a bit. I am contacting apartments, uhauls, etc etc. I should probably plan if I’m going to have an exit interview… but I’m not sure I need to. I am not sure I care anymore. It sucked, I’m leaving. Problem solved, right? I’m not want ing to fix this place anymore.. I just don’t care.
I have lots of other things to think about….
Like how to administer RAC… and which job Rob is going to take… and what we’re goign to take down in the Uhaul..when to take ely out of school.. what to do for Valentines Day (I hate that day)… How to register Ely for school.. what to do with her before/after/days off … taxes…
Somehow.. all of that doesn’t seem overwhelming.
This weekends helpless depression.. that was overwhelming. Moving? nah. I can handle that.