Boy is having interviews left & right.. which means he isn’t worried any more.
And where he leaves off, I promptly pick up.
We have spent all weekend cleaning & painting the rooms, making them as bland (blech) as possible. I hate that. But you have to make it un-personalized…someone else has to be able to see them selves in it, not just you.
But now it feels like I’m living in a fucking hotel. I despise it & then some.
Last night, Ely had a headache… she fell asleep around 10, and then woke up at midnight sobbing that her head hurt, and then projectile vomited all over the bathroom. That was fun.
But, it scared me. It scared me a lot. I need to be able to take care of my daughter.. and how am I supposed to be able to do that if she is here with my mom?? It just isn’t fair.
How do people balance this??
quitting one job, starting another so that the income doesn’t stop..
moving schools without knowing what house you’re going to live in…
knowing what to do with Ely before & after school…
that’s the part that has me freaked out right now..
freaked out to the point of tears…
Ely is not a pet.. we can’t just leave her with mom for a while … that would be horrendously selfish, but every time I bring this up, Rob calls me selfish for thinking that way. WTF?
Everythign would go so much better if we could sell the house next week… close the following week.. move in to the new house.. pay off all the debt.. and start Ely on school.
but no.. nothing works out perfectly… so now I have a hundred things to think about, from bills to expenses (2 totally different things).. but if I don’t want to have a full-blown panic attack, I have to concentrate on 1 thing at a time.. so I pick Ely…
I want to make her feel like she has a choice in things.. about what her house is like, what her room is like, what the neighborhood is like, what her school is like. It’s all new for her too.. why would we think we could make all the choices? Just because she’s ready to leave doesn’t mean she gets no say…
I have no answers.. only questions.. and I don’t want to be here, but at this point, I don’t want to be anywhere.
Maybe home.. with Ely..
Watching Monk.. or Avatar.
That’s the only place I want to be right now.