It comes and goes so fast. It’s waves, it’s a river, it’s a blur of sunsets, and sand through your fingers.
I like sand through your fingers the most. Each little grain is brilliant and shiny or dull but colorful, each has a million stories, all it’s own, but if you take the time to look at one particular one, then you miss out on all the others that are falling through your fingers. you just get to look at them as they go through, and appreciate each one for what it is.
This year… lets see.. what did we do this year?
We went house shopping.. we didn’t like any of it, so we built a house. It’s like picking out a sugar cookie… you get a cutter, then you get a sugar cookie that you have to wait for it to bake, but picking out the cutter was really hard, but you figure “yep, this will work for my family” and you think you’re done, you just have to wait. And then you’re informed that you need to pick a frosting, and a color of frosting, and what design you want, and what color of design, and if you want a trim on it, and a face, and anything between the frosting and the cookie, and any flavors anywhere, and you’re responsible for EVERY SINGLE DECISION THAT YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH FOR THE NEXT 30 YEARS!!!! But that isn’t even the WORST PART… about 5 minutes before it’s done cooking, you smell it, and you’re pretty sure it’s done.. but it’s not.. and you’re STARVING at this point, because you’ve put so much work into every choice.. but no, it’s not yours..and then, when it’s done cooking? YOU STILL AHVE TO WAIT FOR IT TO COOL.
SO yeah, fuck building a house.
WOw, I really haven’t written in forever. The 10 has learned fact from fiction, but I should write on that another day. She is growing, and getting so much smarter. You can see her putting it all together, all of life, all of how we live it, and she is weighing the choices everyone makes. This is the age I watched the people in their cars & thought “I don’t want to be them”… Of course, I think I probably am them..but I fought it for as long as I could.
The world gets to me some days, and others I get to it. Neither of us is right, but I had an epiphany last week that I traded one culture I don’t belong in for another that, again, I don’t belong in. Maybe I just prefer not to belong? Is that an option?
My husband is still the light in a sea of darkness. I never knew a simple touch could bring you back down to earth. I never hoped that one voice or a whisper could scare away personal demons. And, I never thought that Love was something that truly belonged in you, even if you don’t believe in it. I wonder if this is what the misguided religious people think of their silly god? Is there a religion to your spouse, when you believe in them with everything you are?
And, I learned I miss the sight and sound of my mom. Somehow, just seeing her smile and hearing her voice makes breathing easier. If I ever move home, “Home” will be wherever she is.
Otherwise… I would climb inside myself and be perfectly happy.